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Lab Report 059: I Hate Alchemy (and Why Nice Guys Finish Last on Arena)

 

I Hate Alchemy (and Why Nice Guys Finish Last on Arena)

“A wise ruler ought never to keep faith when by doing so it would be against his interests.” 

 

Let me get this out of the way up front: I hate Alchemy. Hate it. Despise it. The digital-only nonsense, the endless “rebalancing,” the half-baked mechanics that would collapse under their own weight if they ever had to exist in cardboard form—Alchemy feels like Magic’s integrity got fed into a paper shredder just so someone in accounting could hit their quarterly bonus.

Sure, the official line is that it keeps the game “fresh” and “exciting.” But let’s not kid ourselves. This isn’t about fresh gameplay—it’s about milking the cow until it keels over. And here’s the real kicker: nobody cares. Nobody at Wizards cares that Alchemy cheapens the game. Nobody on the Arena ladder cares if you’re stubbornly refusing to play the busted cards. Nobody gives you a shiny badge of honor for “staying true to real Magic.”

If anything, they just punish you for it.

Because here’s the truth: if you want to be a “nice guy,” if you want to play “honest Magic” and ignore the Alchemy dumpster fire, Arena will chew you up and spit you out. You’ll lose to some nonsense digital-only card that warps reality and you’ll have no one to blame but your own moral high ground.

And if Machiavelli were around, I’m pretty sure he’d pat me on the shoulder and say: “See? Nice guys finish last.”

So what’s the move? Simple: stop playing nice. If Arena wants me to break the game, then I’ll break the game. If Wizards is going to shovel chaos onto my plate, then I’m going to take a fork and eat it like dessert.

That’s why I’ve built this little monstrosity. A turn-three win combo. No fluff, no mercy, no apologies. If they want me to swim in a shark tank, then I’ll sharpen my own teeth.

Here’s how it works (decklist incoming below).

Stay tuned—because this isn’t about playing fair. This is about surviving in the digital Thunderdome. And trust me, Tibalt’s Apprentice isn’t finishing last.

 

Deck
4 Val, Marooned Surveyor (Y25) 26
4 Plains (ZNR) 268
4 Mountain (ONE) 275
4 Llanowar Elves (M19) 314
4 Trelasarra, Moon Dancer (HBG) 251
3 Lotus Cobra (ZNR) 193
1 Tifa Lockhart (FIN) 206
3 Eumidian Terrabotanist (EOE) 180
1 A-Druid Class (AFR) 180
4 Soul Warden (M10) 34
2 Gaea's Blessing (DAR) 161
4 Authority of the Consuls (FDN) 137
4 Case of the Uneaten Feast (MKM) 10
4 Collected Company (AKR) 186
3 Brushland (BRO) 259
2 Overgrown Farmland (MID) 265
2 Razorverge Thicket (ONE) 257
4 Temple Garden (GRN) 258
4 Aether Hub (KLR) 279
 


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