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Lab Report 49: They Printed What?! (A Scientific Look at WOTC’s Design Crimes)

 

🧪 Lab Report 49: They Printed What?! (A Scientific Look at WOTC’s Design Crimes)

Welcome back, acolytes of chaos. Today we’re firing up the Bunsen burner and torching a few sacred cows — because it’s time to talk about some of the worst card designs in Magic history. These aren’t just bad cards. These are the kind of choices that make you check the calendar and wonder if the whole design team was just really into NyQuil that week.

Let’s start with a few… classics.

🕯️ 1. Wood Elemental – Legends

“As Wood Elemental enters the battlefield, sacrifice any number of untapped Forests. Its power and toughness are each equal to the number of Forests sacrificed this way.”

Translation: Turn your resources into a vanilla beater with zero evasion, protection, or abilities.

Why it’s bad: It’s a 0/0 for 4 unless you nuke your own board. It’s like casting a Hill Giant and a Stone Rain — on yourself.

🧛 2. Baron Sengir – Homelands

8-mana vampire lord… with no keyword abilities.

Why it’s bad: You’re paying three black pips for a big dummy that can grow if something else dies, and it has to tap to do it. Just play literally any other vampire lord from the last 15 years. Edgar Markov has left the chat.

🎭 3. Rakalite – Antiquities

6 to play. 2 to activate. Prevent 1 damage.

Why it’s bad: It’s a 6-mana “maybe prevent one damage” machine. Your opponent is playing dragons. You’re playing this. One of you is having fun.

Designer notes probably read: “What if Circle of Protection: Everything… but terrible?”

🪞 4. One With Nothing – Saviors of Kamigawa

B: Discard your hand.

That’s it. That’s the whole card.

Why it’s bad: You know how sometimes you want to empty your hand in Rakdos for value? This card pretends to be that, but mostly it’s just a one-mana way to scoop in style.

So bad it’s kinda good? Maybe. This one has Meme Lord Energy — so we’ll allow it.

🥀 5. Sorrow’s Path – The Land That Cries for Help

Tap: Switch two blocking creatures. Then take 2 damage. 😐

Why it’s bad: It’s a land. It doesn’t tap for mana. It hurts you. All to rearrange blockers.

Fun fact: It has a ruling that says “if the ability is countered, you still take damage.” Now that’s commitment to the bit.

🧂 Honorable Mention: Razor Boomerang – Zendikar

Equipment that you can… throw. For 5 mana total. To deal 1 damage.

Why it’s bad: Look, we get it. You wanted to throw a weapon. So did everyone playing Skyrim in 2011. But 5 mana for 1 damage and you have to re-equip it afterward? It’s not a boomerang. It’s a budget cut.

🧪 Conclusion:

Magic has evolved. Design is tighter now. But these old-school disasters are worth celebrating — not because they were good, but because they remind us just how far we've come. And how sometimes… WOTC just shrugs and hits "Print" anyway.

If you’re building jank, chaos, or meme decks — these are your fossils. Treasure them. Just don’t sleeve them.

 

 

 


 

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