Skip to main content

Lab Report 054: En Passant and Other Lies They Tell You at the Table

 

Lab Report 054: En Passant and Other Lies They Tell You at the Table

Lately I’ve been dabbling in chess.

Yes, chess. That other game with the pieces and the pawns and the illusion of control. The one where no one’s casting Armageddon or bluffing a Counterspell with nothing in hand. The one where your queen doesn’t trigger a Blood Artist on the way out. That one.

It started innocent enough—watching a few streamers, picking up an old board from a thrift store, telling myself “it’ll sharpen my Magic instincts.” Pattern recognition, timing, thinking multiple turns ahead... seemed logical.

But here’s the truth.

Every game I play, I try to storm off on turn four like I'm piloting a Jeskai Ascendancy deck. Every bishop I lose, I act like someone just Pongified my commander. Every time I castle? I feel like I just tucked my win condition into my deck and called it “tempo.”

See, Magic taught me how to bluff. How to build Rube Goldberg machines out of draft chaff and cursed interactions. How to look an opponent dead in the eye and cast Sudden Spoiling with nothing but vibes and a Dream Halls.

Chess? Chess doesn’t care about your vibes.

Chess is tight lines and tighter logic. It's brutal math. It's a game where every blunder is a visible crack in your soul—and your opponent will notice.

So here I am, playing chess like I play Commander. Sacrificing pawns for dubious tempo. Going all-in on wild gambits. Refusing to resign because I might topdeck something. (I won’t.)

The more chess I play, the more I realize:

I’m a hammer trying to be a scalpel.

And honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

— Tibalt’s Apprentice

 


 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lab Report 059: I Hate Alchemy (and Why Nice Guys Finish Last on Arena)

  I Hate Alchemy (and Why Nice Guys Finish Last on Arena) “A wise ruler ought never to keep faith when by doing so it would be against his interests.”    Let me get this out of the way up front: I hate Alchemy. Hate it. Despise it. The digital-only nonsense, the endless “rebalancing,” the half-baked mechanics that would collapse under their own weight if they ever had to exist in cardboard form—Alchemy feels like Magic’s integrity got fed into a paper shredder just so someone in accounting could hit their quarterly bonus. Sure, the official line is that it keeps the game “fresh” and “exciting.” But let’s not kid ourselves. This isn’t about fresh gameplay—it’s about milking the cow until it keels over. And here’s the real kicker: nobody cares. Nobody at Wizards cares that Alchemy cheapens the game. Nobody on the Arena ladder cares if you’re stubbornly refusing to play the busted cards. Nobody gives you a shiny badge of honor for “staying true to real Magic.” If anythin...
Post a Comment
Read more

Lab Report 001: The Binary Trap — Why Fun Should Be the Goal

 LAB REPORT 001: The Binary Trap — Why Fun Should Be the Goal Commander is one of the richest formats in Magic, but all too often I see players fall into what I call the binary trap . It's the idea that there's only one acceptable outcome: winning. When winning is your only goal, the game becomes black and white—either you win and have fun, or you lose and walk away disappointed. Every card, every turn, every interaction is judged by whether it contributes to a victory, and if it doesn’t, it’s seen as a waste. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a game. But when you make fun your primary objective, the whole game opens up. Suddenly, there are infinite shades of gray between winning and losing. You start to notice the little victories—the perfect topdeck, the unlikely combo that almost goes off, the chaos you unleash with a single card. You laugh more. You engage more. You remember more. Fun doesn’t have to be the opposite of winning—it can include it—but it’s far more susta...
Post a Comment
Read more

Lab Report 24: Why Archenemy is the Perfect Format for Streaming

  Lab Report 24: Why Archenemy is the Perfect Format for Streaming by madsaxxon, Tibalt’s Apprentice So here’s a spicy take for the streamers, the guests, and the chaos gremlins alike: Archenemy might just be the perfect way to play Commander on stream. I had the chance to join a streamed Archenemy game hosted by Jake the Lithomancer . Jake’s known for combining janky brews, flavorful storytelling, and just enough chaos to keep things unpredictable. You’ll find him streaming these wild Commander sessions on Twitch and sharing game highlights and deckbuilding thoughts over at @jake_the_lithomancer . Now, let’s get the basics out of the way—Archenemy is a variant format where one player becomes “the archenemy” and takes on a team of three opponents. The twist? The archenemy starts with 40 life, draws two cards per turn, and gets a ridiculous bonus each turn from a deck of scheme cards—oversized, splashy effects that feel like a blend between cheating and plot armor. And yes, it’...
Post a Comment
Read more